You're a pretty subpar assistant. As your boss, I have certain expectations that have yet to be met. If you want to keep your job, you'll get your act together and that starts with this contract I've written up for you to sign. It includes the things I'll have you doing on a daily basis, most of which are against company policy so you have to keep it hush hush. There's nothing wrong with stepping out of your comfort zone, especially for your hot boss, right?