I was shocked that you had the audacity to call Me for help because of a “dire” situation knowing damn well that I couldn’t care less about you. I was pleasantly surprised to find that your situation was comical and greatly benefits Me. Turns out wifey is done with you, and didn’t even want to tell you in person that She is divorcing you. Not only that, She explains in Her goodbye letter that She’s had many affairs and plans to take all that you’re worth!