[closed captioned] You came to me to confess to me, your pal Velma Dinkley, that you’re a virgin. This is not breaking news. I solve harder mysteries with my hands tied behind my back. Also, unfortunately for you, you being a virgin is blatantly obvious not only to me but EVERYONE. I (don’t) hate to break it to you, but every cell in your body screams virgin. They also scream LOSER. Did you truly think it was extraordinary that every day you look in the mirror and you see a butt ugly loser? You'll always be on the outside looking in when it comes to having a sex life because you'll never get laid. There is a silver lining, though. I think you're cute- I think you’re the best form of yourself- as a virgin. I like how nervous you are looking at me in my orange turtleneck, red skirt and glasses. How needy for my attention and approval you are. Don't ever change, okay? Don’t have sex. Though, looking at you, it’s not as if you have a choice.