You're too addicted to stop. Stop going on Reddit and trying to make sense of your pumping addiction. Of course, it’s irrational. You know that you need that hit of dopamine that you get every time you send, so why stop it? Why stop doing something that makes you feel so good and so worthless at the same time? Stop trying to choose between yourself and pain. The best thing to do is to work harder. Work more efficiently so you can make more money. That is the only solution—not to stop, but to keep going and to never stop. Fandom is an addiction. You're never going to kick, and you don't have to. You can keep on stroking and stroking and stroking forever. Work harder and make more money to fulfill your greedy desires. Get another job. Start another business for me. Pumping is all you have left.