Today, I will dismantle the last shreds of your self-respect, you despicable sack of filth. Forget about your diet; you're beyond salvation. Your pathetic, insatiable appetite for food is only matched by your disgusting lust for self-pleasure. You're a prisoner to your own grotesque desires, a pitiful, blubbering mass doomed to wallow in your own filth. You don't need exercise, intimacy, or any semblance of self-control. Your destiny is to bloat and fester in your own shame, perpetually gorging and jerking that laughable excuse for a dick, buried deep under layers of your repulsive fat. Embrace your fate as the swine you are, forever alone, forever reviled, and eternally chained to your base, animalistic cravings.